I realize that working in a small accounts receivable office where there is little room to grow and major fights to be fought in order to obtain deserved raises and time off is not my life’s work. But in realizing this I have also discovered that I don’t have any real set goals in life, nothing I have been aspiring towards. I know I’m not wasting my life, but I’m starting to feel like I could be making so much more out of it. I want to marry. That’s one of my goals in life. But marriage won’t make me a living. I don’t know if I could be a common housewife. I don’t mind doing the cooking, the cleaning and serving my man, but I don’t think I could deal with an “allowance” given to me each week. I like having my own money and I’ve never been comfortable with taking money from other people no matter how close they are to me. Then I started thinking about eventually becoming a mother and I really don’t know if I want children. Maybe things will change once I’m married. Maybe I’ll stop wanting to be so selfish. Maybe I’ll want to be a future PTA class mother type and throw adorable birthday parties where I bake birthday cakes and have my kids bring cupcakes into class and hand out homemade invitations. Right now children are the furthest thing from my mind. Pregnancy and childbirth still doesn’t sound miraculous to me no matter what any woman tells me. In all actuality, it sounds like more of a nightmare.
I’ve started thinking about things I’m good at and I don’t feel like I could turn any of those things into a career because my “talents” seem mediocre to me. If I could do anything, it would probably be something based in the art industry, one of the most challenging, competitive and difficult industries to get paid in, let alone find a start. I look at most writers, most painters, most photographers—most artists out there and think, “Damn, I could never measure up to them.” I’ve had many a family member and friend tell me that I’m a good writer and that I should try and somehow find a way to make a profession out of it. But again, I don’t think my writing could ever measure up to those who are already published and making a living. I wouldn’t know where to begin to try and get my foot in the door. It’s all about discovery, connections, being at the right place at the right time, and having ambition—all of which I feel like I have none. I truly admire people who have never let their dreams die. Those who aren’t afraid of rejection and being rejected only fuels their passion further.
If someone asked me, “What do you want to be when you ‘grow up’” right now I wouldn’t have an answer for them. I want to be happy, yes. Happy doing what is the question. I’ve wanted to update my resume for the sake of updating it, but I’m holding off on sending it out for reasons other than “the job market is terrible right now.” I don’t want to send it out because I really don’t want to work in another office. Mike was absolutely right when he said to me, “Do you think it’s any different anywhere else?” It wouldn’t be. I’d sit at another desk for eight hours a day, in front of another eye-straining computer, answering to another unappreciative boss, and continually coming home aggravated from another job I would know deep down that I wasn’t meant to be doing. My dream career is not to office hop. That much I know.
I am starting to wonder if this current state of soul-searching is the sign from God that I have been waiting for. I have been recently asking Him to send me a sign to lead me in the right direction towards my purpose in life. Maybe it’s been right in front of my face all along. So I asked myself, “What is the one thing that you do daily that you truly enjoy?” The answer was clear: writing. I find myself pushing my work aside to open up a new Word document and write a blog entry or letter. I was always one to embrace an essay assignment in school and had written journals full of poetry during my teenage years. I never thought of it as a “passion,” but it’s undoubtedly been something I have consumed myself in whether it was my own writing or enjoying someone else’s. Maybe I should stop underestimating myself and take a leap of faith because anything that’s worth trying is worth trying once.
After writing this post, I started researching independent courses in freelance writing, tips on getting started in freelance writing, and paid-to-blog sources (suggestions welcome). Whether or not it happens for me, at least I can say that I tried.